Saturday, December 16, 2017

Movie Review: Dirty Grandpa

If you like hearing the word "vagina," then this is the movie for you.

I've noticed a disturbing trend in raunchy films lately: they'll show male nudity but no female nudity. The biggest offender is the new Baywatch movie, but Dirty Grandpa suffers from this as well.

Rating: 1 star (out of 4)

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Movie Review: Prisoners

Good night, this movie was depressing. It also had snakes. Don't watch it right before bed.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

TV show review: Camelot

Camelot was a show on Starz a few years ago. It only lasted for one season. It goes without saying that Hollase and I don't subscribe to Starz, but we did find Camelot in the DVD bargain bin at Barnes & Noble. Some observations:
  1. In the King Arthur story we all know and love, King Arthur is married to Guinevere. Then Guinevere cheats on Arthur with Lancelot, leading to various negative consequences. But in this show, Guinevere is actually married to Lancelot, and cheats on him with Arthur. Also, Lancelot is named Leontes. This is all highly confusing.
  2. The character of Arthur is basically a wimpy punk, whereas Leontes is awesome in every way. It's unclear why Guinevere would prefer Arthur, unless she just has a lust for power.
  3. Joseph Fiennes and Eva Green compete for the title of "Most Absurd Overacting" in the roles of Merlin and Arthur's sister Morgan, respectively. 
  4. Basically, Camelot is Game of Thrones, but with lower production values and not quite as much gratuitous sex/nudity. (But don't get me wrong--there's still plenty of gratuitous sex/nudity.)
  5. All shows about King Arthur are lame compared to the 1981 movie Excalibur.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Movie Review: Gone Girl

This was a pretty entertaining movie. Early on, it was a typical movie about an innocent man who looked guilty. Just when that was becoming boring, the focus shifted to what a psychopath the wife was.

I also learned that I'm a bad husband because I don't know my wife's blood type (AB positive, maybe?). In my defense, I don't know my own blood type, either.

Miniseries Review: The Thorn Birds

After 13 years of marriage, Hollase finally convinced me to watch the Thorn Birds, starring Richard Chamberlain. Here are some things I learned:
  1. In Australia, it's normal for parents to openly declare that they love some of their children much more than others. (By contrast, in the US, it's customary for parents to at least pretend to love all their children equally.)
  2. If you're a Catholic priest, you can't get married, but it's fine to have sexual relationships on the side.
  3. The show is actually not about a family with the last name Thornbirds. Rather, a "thorn bird" is a fictional type of bird that in some way is supposed to epitomize the characters in the show.
  4. In Australia, you are constantly at risk of being attacked by a wild boar at any moment.
  5. In Australia, there's no better way to prove your manhood than by winning a sheep-shearing contest.